Everything I didn’t know and still don’t

Looking back on a year of not-knowing and learning, and looking forward to a year of learning about what else I don’t know

I started 2015 thinking I had a fairly good idea of how the year would play out. It turns out, I really didn’t know much.

J3YIa7pn-Rlot_65oGEZaclBPASdQRc2WQ-z84TQ_WgI wasn’t anticipating more brokenness or complexity, or some of the biggest highs and personal bests that shaped the year. I wasn’t expecting to find more areas that needed healing or work. But I did.

So while I didn’t know much, I learned.

I learned about learning again – by getting on a bicycle for the first time in years and exploring the countryside around Wellesley.

I learned about endurance and commitment through running – when it was joyful and when it felt like I was dragging ass.

KQx55xVSAkBzhHLcteTKdfBBDLy_cqux-SnLnvOJgkg,y_BiNl1jV88kjP8Dhdeon1VJfrsjAxBhCYaPGlbsZuwI learned to calm my mind and give myself time to make decisions, and I learned how to edit my decisions based on instinct and information.

I spent a lot of time in conversation with the best of friends and looking back over years of relationships that stayed. I learned how to invest heavily in the family and friends who I love, and to start new, deep friendships. Through this, I discovered who I could trust at this level.

I also learned who I needed to keep close – not only for me, but for them – even if that meant simply holding them in my thoughts, or having others hold me in theirs when I felt like I needed time in my own headspace.

The thing about learning, healing and growing is that these are not even or steady processes. Some days, I felt strong and capable….I could take on more. Other days, I honestly could’ve chucked it all for a cabin in the woods. I learned that it’s possible to feel these extremes, as well as the shades of neutrality, over the course of an hour, a day or a full week.

I have great hopes that this next year will be awesome, and I know that I have the people in my life who will contribute to it. But, as 2015 transitions to 2016, it would be naïve to say that I’m leaving behind all the hard stuff. What I’ve learned more than anything is that there isn’t a hard stop or start to the lessons that are laid out for us, and that I have little control over that. I will likely find more that I didn’t know about myself and the world around me this year, and what I can do is look forward to how this will broaden my perspective.


Getting ready for a ride with my little brother!

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